stellar hermit

Roads (Part I)

2011-02-06T14:20:00.008+08:00

When I was five, Kakay, the infamous "manghuhula" in our barrio, read my palm and saw in my lines that I will go places. My parents took it figuratively thinking that I will be a famous singer as evident from my long and uninterrupted crying that broke records. Decades later, it seems that the prophecy was wrong. I've never been famous and the farthest I've reached in my "singing career" was joining in a church choir that performed in a local cable with the lowest audience share. But with some introspection, I've realized that Kakay was not wrong after all; she just meant it literally. For more than three years now, I've been traveling all over for my job. The long stretches of trips cost my weekend, my horizontally growing waistline, and my constant "catching up with life" stance. Who would not want to travel to interesting places for free? But when travel is mixed with work, it strips all the romance.

I would know if I have traveled far too long when my laundry becomes a national issue. I deal with my laundry the way our country is dealing with the foreign debt. "Iniiwasan hangga't maari."

I would also know if I've traveled far too much when I wake up confused not knowing where I am. It's like a rock star lifestyle when you're life revolves around checking in and out in far too many hotels that you've become disoriented. Except that I don't live the room messy and I actually arrange the sheets upon waking up. If I would document my eclectic hotel experiences, it would be as thick as Agatha Christie's Miss Marple Stories. As what most rock stars would say, if the hotel is good, everything else will follow. I had this weird experience once when I was billeted to a dingy staff house. It was on the second floor of a lumber store, there were no curtains, the bathroom light was not working, and there were no linens. It was a perfect house in Mexican films where Mafias hide their hostage for ransom. The caretaker of the lumber store who ushered me into the room without his shirt on saw that the bed was bare and in his misguided attempt to kindness offered his blanket. "Mam, isang gabi ko pa lang naman nagamit yung kumot ko pahiram ko na lang muna sa 'yo." It was touching in a horrific way.

My travels also made me understand why some Cebuanos resented the fact Filipino (Tagalog) is the national language. Sixty to seventy percent of the Filipinos speak Cebuano. As an Ilongga, I have the advantage because I can very well understand Cebuano. I can also understand Bicolano and Waray. I've been frequenting Ilocos but learning the dialect is a challenge. It seems that it is far more complicated than Bahasa.

After a decade of riding planes, am still stressed with air turbulence and sudden dips. Planes make me extremely conscious of my mortality. There was one stormy trip from Tagbilaran to Manila where the plane suddenly dipped several meters while braving through a typhoon. While praying hard and clutching painfully my arm rest, I thought of the last will that I've never made and resolved to arrange it when I can make it alive. Death by plane crash though how glamorous is very painful.

Jeeps, buses (with signals that bear "report any suspicious baggage"), tricycle, trisikad, pot-pot, taxis, van (with names like van-vans) habal-habal--these are my road buddies. They have their own peculiarities but however inconvenient some of them are, I regard them with much respect. Road trips, if you would really succumbed to the experience, are therapeutic and existential. Except the sun.

A reliable and eclectic playlist can also make traveling a little more interesting. Katy Perry and Lady Gaga are perfect for bumpy roads. Dave Matthews is for early morning cross country ride. Chicosci is for early evening in a superhighway running on a 120. Smashing Pumpkins and Stone Temple Pilots are for nostalgic kicks while wondering where did all the good times go. For heavy traffic, the ambient sound of Brian Eno can induce calmness and peace. Steve Jobs really made a profound contribution to humanity by inventing ipod.

Books are another reliable travel buddy. It takes up much space but I feel that traveling is not complete without it. Dubliners, a collection of short stories by James Joyce, is one of my favorites. I also like books with illustrations. Breakfast of the Champions by Kurt Vonnegut is perfect. When I am in the mood for some serious current events, like the status of Jennifer Aniston's love life or did Rayver Cruz really cheat on Sarah, I succumbed to the comforts of Yes Magazine.

Between Going and Coming

2009-09-02T16:02:00.001+08:00

Between Going and Coming

Between going and staying the day wavers,
in love with its own transparency.
The circular afternoon is now a bay
where the world in stillness rocks.

All is visible and all elusive,
all is near and can't be touched.

Paper, book, pencil, glass,
rest in the shade of their names.

Time throbbing in my temples repeats
the same unchanging syllable of blood.

The light turns the indifferent wall
into a ghostly theater of reflections.

I find myself in the middle of an eye,
watching myself in its blank stare.

The moment scatters. Motionless,
I stay and go: I am a pause.

Octavio Paz

Review of Related Videos

2009-08-23T14:16:00.004+08:00

I was browsing some old videos in youtube, Silverchair's Tomorrow in particular, when I realized that every video I searched somehow reminds me of significant persons and events so oddly vivid and real. MTV created a dominant sub-culture that even sociologists could not contest. It's not just a mixture of movements, effects, and sounds but an experience that appears to a particular place, to a particular person, at a particular time. For more than two decades of being a cult-follower of mtv, I thought of listing my top 10 favorite music videos. For posterity, as always.

1. Black Hole Sun (Soundgarden)- i love the song for its melancholic yet beautiful melody. It epitomizes the 90's rock. This is where my Cornell-worship started. I also remembered cursing Ms. Parcon's algebra class. One of the best years of my life.

2. Walking After You (Foo Fighters) - I don't know what the video was trying to say, two people who want each other but can't have each other because the woman seems to be inside a hospital or an asylum. The song was part of the X-Files soundtrack. Inspite of its being unfathomable, i liked it.

3. Mr. Brightside (The Killers) - the song really comes in handy especially in the morning when I do some stretches. Apparently, the video was inspired by Moulin Rouge which explains the extravagance of costume of the showgirls/burlesque dancers.

4. Tomorrow (Silverchair) - I love Daniel Johns! Inspite of his infamous personal life (he developed anorexia from listening to his own songs), he's one of the most prolific songwriters ever. How can he possibly formed Silverchair at age 12!

To be continued

The more tragic the better?

2009-08-17T22:20:00.005+08:00

I watched Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince few weeks ago when the HP6 frenzy has already subsided. Book 6 is probably one of the darkest installments of Harry Potter. A sense of foreboding creeps through the scenes. Story-wise, it's also the most unpopular. That's why most of the people I know have unexciting comments about the movie. Maybe we are used to the "cheerio" days when Harry was just starting to discover quidditch. Still, the movie lived up to the dark theme of book 6. Anybody whose idea of a good movie is 90% action would not really be endeared to this sixth installment especially that the movie was concluded with the death of Dumbledore. But I liked it. Is it Alanis who once said, "the more tragic the better?" There you go.

Soon, said I will know...

2008-03-06T08:39:00.006+08:00

I always set my alarm clock at 6:00 AM but I usually wake up an hour late. The alarm reminds me that I still have an hour to sleep. I really mastered procrastination. I finished Dan Brown's Deception Point last night and after reading two of his other novels, Angels and Demons and Da Vinci Code, I could almost picture how the story will end. I don't own much of new books. I am big fan of classic literature and 80% of the books I own were published during the 50's until the early 80's in the likes of Sherlock Holmes. I've been listening to Smashing Pumpkin's old album and Billy Corgan's line just stuck in my head, "soon, said i will know." I think it has some relevance in my state of mind and heart right now. For some reason, it is comforting.

Wake Up!

2008-03-05T14:19:00.003+08:00

There are days when thoughts just flow freely but there are also days that you just can't think of anything to write. Then you start wondering about the days when you always have interesting things to say about your life or always think of things to make it appear a little more interesting. I miss the days. Maybe I blame it on sheer indolence. Or perhaps the succession of busy days makes one's mind inept of lucid thoughts. This, i think is a signal for me to pause amidst the chaos and superficiality of things around; to not let a day pass without seizing it. The words of Goethe seem to give my thoughts a certain direction again.

"What you don't feel, you will not grasp by art,
Unless it wells out of your soul
And with sheer pleasure takes control,
Compelling every listener's heart.
But sit - and sit, and patch and knead,
Cook a ragout, reheat your hashes,
Blow at the sparks and try to breed
A fire out of piles of ashes!

Sympathy

2007-06-21T13:38:00.000+08:00

I have barely three months to prepare for my comprehensive exams and i have not started any form of review. I expect sleepless nights a month before the compre. Indolence at its best. I intend to graduate October but the way things are going, it's near to impossible. I have to pass my comprehensive exams, at the very least. I'm thriving in an orderly chaotic life with lots of Taking Back Sunday, Bomberman, and almost weekly provincial field work. I had a close encounter with tarsiers last Wednesday when i went to Bohol. They look friendly, or rather bored. The caretaker said that they were sleepy, hah, at least they have big eyes to fake it. Since they are nocturnal creatures, they're supposed to sleep during daytime. But they're forced to be awake so as not to let down the visitors who came from far places just to see their big eyes batting. My heart goes for the tarsiers.

Bye, Bye Kurt...So it goes...

2007-04-13T16:18:00.000+08:00

I received a text message from my best buddy, Karen, informing that Kurt Vonnegut died at 84. We lost a literary hero. With books like Breakfast of the Champions, Slaugtherhouse –Five, and others, Vonnegut’s writings made our College days tolerable; satiated our hunger for real literary experience. I remember the time when I borrowed Breakfast of the Champions in the library; the book was old since it was still published in 1973 but when I read the first few pages, I became an instant Vonnegut-convert. Karen and I cannot get enough of Dwayne Hoover and Kilgore Trout’s characters. For a week or so, we think, write, and feel like Kilgore Trout, sketching anything we can think of in my “green book”, like Trout’s girl’s underpants. With lines like “If you want to hurt your parents but don’t have the guts to be a homosexual, go to the arts instead”, we were hooked. We followed Kurt’s life and writings, even to the point of emulating him. In one of his writings, he made some comments about getting old. For someone who once attempted suicide, he regards death from old age as a semi-colon, not a period (as what he thought Hemingway did when he committed suicide). In most of his writings, he never failed to mention about the pains of getting old. The only thing he said that stops him from committing suicide again is because he wants to set a good example to his children. Vonnegut once said that of all the ways to die, he'd prefer to go out in an airplane crash on the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro. He died from brain injuries after a recent fall from his Manhattan home. We are crestfallen. It made me remember one of his thoughts about death from his novel Slaugtherhouse Five. It captures everything:
The most important thing I learned on Tralfamadore was that when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral. All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist. The Tralfamadorians can look at all the different moments just that way we can look at a stretch of the Rocky Mountains, for instance. They can see how permanent all the moments are, and they can look at any moment that interests them. It is just an illusion we have here on Earth that one moment follows another one, like beads on a string, and that once a moment is gone it is gone forever.

So they finally took notice....

2007-03-01T14:52:00.000+08:00

Martin Scorsese finally won an Oscar! To say that it was unexpected is an understatement. I am a Scorsese fan and when I heard that he’s directing The Departed, the Hollywood adaptation of Infernal Affairs, it was a sweet anticipation. Having seen Scorsese’s previous films like Gangs of New York, Raging Bull, The Taxi, etc., The Departed, although chic and precisely made (with a fabulous casts), somehow lack the “winnability” to win an Oscar. He could have won many years ago with his more intense films. Still, I think Scorsese’s first Oscar is long overdue and the many years of going home empty handed had compounded many times over. It’s a guilt-free victory.

sullen thoughts....

2007-03-01T14:51:00.000+08:00

There are varied reasons why people are holding on to us and would not let us go. Sometimes, it is not only that we are good, or nice, or generous, but rather it is more about their dependency, their psychological need that sadly, could never be satiated. Well of course, it’s always easy to let go of someone who does not serve whatever kind of purpose. Since our organization is undergoing some major movement in terms of structure, it follows that people, as part of that organization, should also be a part of that step forward. My boss, whom I regard dearly, would not let me go for the mere reason that she just can’t. I think that it’s not because that we were together for a long time, or I could write (her thoughts), or she needs my thesis to evaluate her program, or that I’m polite or respectful. I always believe that no one is indispensable. Our country has a surplus of talented and intelligent people who could write and speak excellent English, make and analyze intricate plans, and are well-motivated. She plans of putting or continuing the same organization with only the three of us (another officemate). She did not even ask if I’m interested with the prospect. She laid my future, for at least three years, to fit her own needs; meanwhile, suspending my life. I was caught red handed; unable to speak nor to react. She really had her way with people. I felt helpless. It is just so ironic that for someone who advocates for human rights could not let her thoughts be heard and just went blank. My head is throbbing and I think caffeine could not save me this time.

Farm Fairy Days '06

2007-01-26T16:32:00.000+08:00

10-7-06

2006-10-25T15:23:00.000+08:00

The book launching of lola went well. Few people attended, expectedly. Since the book does not contain anything related to sex, music, or standard novel plot, it’s a very technical read. During the dedication part, she made this really intended stunt, which I expected even before she opened her mouth. “I also thank Sister Lasalette for painstakingly……” Oh yeah, I saw it coming. They were so happy about it saying that those were prophetic words of some sort. Was it really prophetic or apocalyptic? They never gave up recruiting me. I don’t know what they saw in me that made them think I fit the perpetually chaste life.

I was absent from class again. It really worries me since they took integral calculus that spells doom. Dr. Tatlonghari thought that I was absent because I was avoiding my Development Eco report. Even my excuse letter that explicitly says that I am suffering from a bad case of LBM did not suffice. Haha. He became a PhD for nothing.

Still have to refine my report. I have an overdose of Karl Marx, David Ricardo, Schumpeter, and Adam Smith. How I wish they are just members of rock bands; my life could have been easier.

Audioslave have a new album just released, Revelation. I’m not sure if Francis Reyes already featured this on his New Album Review on NU, hopefully not yet. I was able to listen to some of the tracks; politically charged lyrics. Maybe I’m still stuck to Chris Cornells’ Euphoria Morning that it took a while to accept that he is now “raging.”

Integral calculus is so sleep-inducing, huummm. Nyt.

Diary of a Faithful Urbandub Minion

2006-09-14T14:25:00.000+08:00

I am a huge Urbandub fan for so long but it was only last week that I saw them played live. When Come from their Birth album was released several years ago, I became and instant Urbandub-convert. So when Rock U was set (sponsored by MISA-Ateneo) and I have no Saturday class the next day, it was such a sweet opportunity.

After three geological ages, my friend and I arrived at the venue. The venue was Dish which was quite good because the audio was perfect. There were several bands lined up for the night—Mojofly, Chicosci, Updharam Down, and of course Urbandub. The show started at 9:30, quite on time from their schedule. Two college bands played (Rugis and Spaceground?) They were good. One of the vocalists sounds like a cross between Audioslave and Pearljam without the angst. The place was full of hormonally-driven college kids. I think the average age of the crowd was 19, hah. What can I say, it served us right. I promised myself to be sober. I want to have this natural high. ChicoSci played first. I could still remember singing “Paris” at the top of my lunges many years ago, ‘Could I be so affected…will I stay on your mind, why am I so infected…” They were still known as ChicoScience before. God, their good and loud! I can’t believe that they played Paris (much to my delight), I felt like I just went out from college. I so love ChicoSci. They also played A Promise, one of my favorites. The crowd started huddling and jumping in front of the stage. Mojofly played next. Lougee is so enchanting on stage. They played the crowds’ favorite, Minamamalas, Tumatakbo, Mata, and this new Conditioner commercial jingle (which was okay because I’m using the same conditioner, hehehe). Updharma Down was the next one to play. I was able to watch their album launching produced by Terno production several months ago. They really played well. They have this distinct sound and style that is both catchy and peculiar. They’re one of the good bands that came out this year. I can’t wait for Urbandub to be on the stage. It’s more than two years that I had a real slam so I resolved to be near the stage and have a real slamming experience, nevermind if I wear a mini and a two-inch sandals. Nothing can stop me. After the sweet and slow anticipation, they came up the stage, loud and whole. To say that I was starstruck was an understatement. My mind went blank. They played several of songs, mostly from their Influence and Embrace album. The crowed was in a trance. They played Sailing, A New Tatoo, Frailty, Alert the Armory, Endless a Silent Whisper, Soul Searching, First of Summer, Safety in Numbers, etc…It was more than I expected. Everybody was ecstatic, high, and loud. If my memory serves me right, they played Alert the Armory first. My friend was already a bit tipsy but happy and well. We’re so lost in the songs. Somehow, Urbandub’s songs convey basic human thoughts and feelings, both transcending and mundane. And I am not being subjective. My feet were aching and my throat strained, but I can still last forever if only they had played more songs. So how can I end this? Maybe a line from their Endless, A Silent Whisper will sum up how good the night was.

“The world it turns with us
Hold me in closer, don’t let go of me
Now we close our eyes and let go to the night
The night we feel alive.”

My Mom was Here!

2006-09-06T16:13:00.000+08:00

Rainy, Loud, and Not So Late

2006-08-29T11:12:00.000+08:00

I was in dire need of something loud for months that when I heared that there’s this upcoming concert of local bands in tribute to the Apo Hiking Society, I took it as an opportune time. I was able to check a preview of that when Zack, a very good friend, texted me to watch ASAP on TV. The sala in the dorm was on its fullest during that portion. Due to sheer indolence or indecisiveness, I finally bought the ticket only on the day of the concert. Suffice it to say, we just make do of whatever obscure seats left available. I invited Zack to watch and I’m grateful he was interested to check out the concert too.

It was raining when we headed to the venue and Zack was soaking wet because of the rain. We’re supposed to buy a shirt but later decided that a strong aircon and a little projection will do the trick. Lots of people were already on the venue when we arrived but we waited for several minutes for the admission. I was there primarily for Chito, hehehe. Really good bands and my favorite ones were lined up for the night like Spongecola, Sandwich, Sugarfree, Parokya, etc. The Dawn was part of the tribute album and I was kinda disappointed that they did not play. As a perennial disease of local concerts, the show started late. After two geological ages, the show started. Parokya played first. What a good way to start the night. I could not believe that Chito and I were on the same roof I don’t know but the song Pumapatak connotes an entirely different meaning when Chito sung it, hehehe. Spongecola’s version of Nakapagtataka was so Spongecola-ish with Yael’s trademark voice and angst. He was somewhat out of breath after the song but it was a good performance. Sugarfree is one of the crowds’ favorite. They did a different twist of Batang-Bata that it sounds like it was truly their own composition. It sounds so good. Ebe is really one of the prolific musicians we have now. Of course, Orange and Lemons easily captured the hearts of the crowd with their Yakap sa Dilim. Haay. They have this way of making the song sounds like your hugging a very soft pillow in a rainy day. The musical arrangement was so soft to the ears. I was mesmerized by Drip’s version of Kabilugan ng Buwan. The voice and the beat were sexy and enchanting. I am a Barbie fan and I like the song When I Met You a lot but there was something wrong with the microphone when she sung. The vocals on some parts were hardly audible. Sandwich’s version of O ang Babae was okay. Awit ng Barkada of Itchyworms was also good. The showmanship added the flavor. Shamrock’s Paano was also good, it’s just that there was something wrong with the audio system that vibrated an annoying echo on the guitar. They should have checked it earlier. Blue Jeans of Rockstedy was okay. Imago did a different twist of Ewan, maganda. Of course, Kamikazee never fails to bring the house down. Hands down when it comes to showmanship. Doo Bidoo was great way to end the show. I am very partial to loud music. There were still lots of other bands played but could not remember well the line up. Zack’s favorite performer for the night was Sugarfree. We’re talking if Urbandub was considered to be a part of the album because they were visible in some interviews. But so was Martin Nievara. We dropped the topic. Apo made a very short appearance. After Kamikazee, people were still expecting for some bands to play but it was announced by myx VJ’s that the show was over. Zack was so into Heart Evangelista so I restrained my mouth from making comments. We headed home at around 10:30, which was early on my usual standard. But due to warning of eviction from the dorm, I abide by the rules.

A great show, a great company, on a rainy Friday night.

Grazie!

2006-08-12T09:21:00.000+08:00

Gratitude is the language of the heart. Thank you Melai and Ron for helping me out in my Math Eco assignment. I'm specially touched for Melai's effort. She is not completely well yet she went extra mile for me. Madamo guid nga salamat.

Some moments of clarity

2006-08-03T11:23:00.000+08:00

*I've been avoiding math all my life but it keeps on following me. I'm cursed. Is it because i am secretly in love with it? I have three chapters to read and i tried reading some pages last night but it was futile. Mindset, mindset.

*I'm supposed to graduate next sem but i still have another semester to go through. Want to finish this quick and clean so I could set a clear direction about my going home and staying there for good.

*Was everything worth it? Do I really have to learn my lesson the hard way? Was the road i took really a part of the obstacle challenge or could i have avoided it if i had been a little bit clever? Soliluqys.

*I owe my two friends a long letter. I used to write long letters before but somehow indolence keeps in the way.

*I've been listening to Dashboard Confessional's Dusk and Summer album. The album still sound sad and jaded. I think Dashboard Confessional is cursed for perpetual heartache.

*Life is a choice but somehow the choice is partially destined.

*I have much tolerance for persons with IQ problem but i can't stand conceit out of little knowledge.

Healthy in Paranoid Times

2006-05-28T11:52:00.000+08:00

I'll be having my mid-year three-day vacation in a few weeks time and I have so much things to do but so little time. I miss home. I miss the serenity of the farm. I miss the mango tree in our sideyard. I miss the starry night on a clear summer sky. I miss deciphering clouds. I miss the MellonCollie and the Infinite Sadness record. I miss the feeling of being invincible that only youth can offer. Time is such a relative concept.

Few days ago, I had a coffee with a very good friend. We were just having this trivial conversation about relationships when out of nowhere, I cried. So it was like three times that I cried in public when I'm with him that I rushed to the comfort room to finish my pathetic stunt discretely. Looking back, it was not really pathetic. I feel like it was just one of those moments when my hormones are low that made my tear gland reacted so spontaneously. Oh well. It's good to be alive.
I saw this line from the site of Our Lady Peace, one of the good bands of my youth, "Healthy in Paranoid Times." How fitting.

Breathing Octavio

2006-05-27T13:57:00.000+08:00

One of the poets that always leave me breathless is Octavio Paz. Paz is a Mexican poet who won the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1990. He is also an essayist. His poetic corpus is nourished by the belief that poetry constitutes "the secret religion of the modern age." Got here three of my favorite poems that could suffice for one meal.

No More Cliches

Beautiful face
That like a daisy opens its petals to the sun
So do you
Open your face to me as I turn the page.

Enchanting smile
Any man would be under your spell,
Oh, beauty of a magazine.

How many poems have been written to you?
How many Dantes have written to you, Beatrice?
To your obsessive illusion
To you manufacture fantasy.

But today I won't make one more Cliché
And write this poem to you.
No, no more clichés.

This poem is dedicated to those women
Whose beauty is in their charm,
In their intelligence,
In their character,
Not on their fabricated looks.

This poem is to you women,
That like a Shahrazade wake up
Everyday with a new story to tell,
A story that sings for change
That hopes for battles:
Battles for the love of the united flesh
Battles for passions aroused by a new day
Battle for the neglected rights
Or just battles to survive one more night.

Yes, to you women in a world of pain
To you, bright star in this ever-spending universe
To you, fighter of a thousand-and-one fights
To you, friend of my heart.

From now on, my head won't look down to a magazine
Rather, it will contemplate the night
And its bright stars,
And so, no more clichés.

Between Going and Staying

Between going and staying the day wavers,
in love with its own transparency.
The circular afternoon is now a bay
where the world in stillness rocks.

All is visible and all elusive,
all is near and can't be touched.

Paper, book, pencil, glass,
rest in the shade of their names.

Time throbbing in my temples repeats
the same unchanging syllable of blood.

The light turns the indifferent wall
into a ghostly theater of reflections.

I find myself in the middle of an eye,
watching myself in its blank stare.

The moment scatters. Motionless,
I stay and go: I am a pause.

Stuck and Cursed

2006-05-25T09:42:00.000+08:00

Time and again, traffic is one of the curses of the so-called civilization. Santolan to 20th Ave. would only take 15 min. on a clear road but on a chaotic 9 am road, it took me an hour. Added to the curse was manong driver's radio station that is the pinnacle of "ka-jologan". "Manong, pwede po palipat sa 107.5, NU?" He tried changing station for a while but his radio's frequency was seemingly stuck in ___#$. "Okay na lang po." I finally surrendered. I got an hour experience at Hades. So that was the start of my so-called thursday morning.

A Chronicle of IT Training Foretold (Just random thoughts, really)

2006-05-24T11:01:00.000+08:00

In a few days time, the training will be over. I never thought i could survive the 130-day training given my so-chaotic schedule, but I did (thanks to coffee). It feels like finishing a very good book, you just feel so amazed that it's over. I remember the first day when i really thought the seminar would only last for a week and i had a shock of my life when i heard that it would last for three months or so, hah! I had some apprehensions at first because I imagined my classmates to be computer geeks who eat computer programs for lunch, and I hardly passed Wordstar back in College. But I learned later that i am not the one who is IT-challenged in the group. I felt relieved. My learnings are so many that i wish i could have much time practicing it. Everything is a matter of habit.

My classmates are weird mixture of humanity. Given the differences in language and culture, it was a very interesting group. I am just lucky, in a sense, that I could speak several dialects. They could not backbite me so easily, if its enough consolation, hehehe. We really blend so well, not only because of the weekly alcohol binge or downloading galore, or for the petty gambling (that leaves some broke for a week) but on the common passion to learn and to explore.

As the training about to end, I remember the feeling a day after a very big concert, I feel dazed. It's nice and sad at the same time. But everything has its ending. And this ending prompts us to a new beginning. The training, the friends i made, the learnings i gained(sometimes overloaded), all these experiences whether mundane or sublime, are all part of a cycle. And I can't wait for the next encounter.

The Strongest Link

2006-03-14T15:18:00.000+08:00

Today, I learned that scientifically, cockroaches are superior creatures. They survived several evolutions, outlived the dinosaurs, but maintained their genealogy intact. I could never look at cockroach the same way again.

2006-03-09T13:19:00.000+08:00

Caffeine-High

Snickers and Scar Tissue

2006-03-09T12:47:00.000+08:00

After three geological ages, when the dinosaurs became instinct and the apes evolved into a man, I finally went out of Room 9. I was isolated for two weeks there but it felt like forever. My infamous chickenpox finally subsided leaving me with scars and a deflated self-esteem. Room 9 is one of the empty rooms in the dorm with a reputation of hovering ghosts. I haven’t felt any disturbances whatsoever, thank you. I practically survived with a bunch of Urbandub CDs (they are one of the best pinoy bands now, I adore Urbandub), Mexican coffee (Tatay gave me when I went home), and several good books. I reread Great Expectations and David Cooperfield by Charles Dickens that my mindset became slightly British. I remember texting my friend, “I am ill now” from the usual “I’m sick.” I felt I was imprisoned because I was only given food and was not allowed to go out of the room until most of my dormates are already out for work. I never felt so isolated. The blisters were not so bad since the doctor gave me this medicine that costs P152 a tablet which I have to take six times a day for seven days. I was not only ugly with scars but broke at the same time. A cruel combination for this little vain world. My friends gave me lots of beauty advises to make the scars invisible. I bought three whitening creams and lots of Vitamin E. How vain can I get? Finally, I settled for the cheapest and the most philosophical advise, “your scars, among other things, will soon shall pass.”

Denden called me up and told me that they will be coming over from Iloilo for an interview in the embassy. She told me if I could fetch her in their hotel in Pasay so we could roam around. It felt so strange coming out of the sun after two weeks of hibernation. I feel like seeing the world in a different light. Hah! We watched Brokeback Mountain. It was a good movie. But since Denden is a sucker for happy endings (which most of the time an insult to ones IQ) she was a bit disappointed. She gave me lots of chocolates and I ate some while riding in the MRT that I practically fell in love with this wasted looking guy on my left. Hehehe. Is it love or is it Snickers with almonds? After i finished a pack of snickers and drank water; the saccharine high subsided, I looked at the wasted guy on my left again and I felt he was a cowboy from hell badly needing a haircut. See? It’s all in the brain, fellas. Love is a chemical. And you could eat only so much snickers.

Loud and Late

2006-01-30T15:32:00.000+08:00

The show already started when we reach the Marikina shoe expo makeshift in Cubao. Blazing Bulalakaw, sir Alex's band, will be the 4th band to play for the night. the line-up was amazing. around 20 bands were there to support the album launching of Updharma Down. Word of mouth made the venue jampacked. It was not the usual bar set-up where bands play tired acoustic covers and yuppies discuss their usual yuppy craps. It was a gathering of indie bands (well, others already made it to the major labels) who just love to play original songs and share their music to all. After three high-schoolish bands played, Blazing Bulalakaw's entered the stage. one of the major set-backs of live shows is that it takes a while for the band to do sound check...wait...wait...wait. The songs were good. "Galeng," Dingdong and i agreed. Pedicab played next. It's Raymund Marasigan's side band. I love Pedicab! Maingay! Mahusay! By that time, most people are holding a can of san mig light, the mood was so tempting but because i made a promise earlier to be sober all night, i settled for a bottle of tropicana. Hah! One of our companions was so drunk that he kept on pestering me with questions like, "kau ba ni?" "naging kau ba ni?" It went on and on that i practically at wits end when i decided not to mind him. Ok, go ahead, keep on giving me imaginary boyfriends, for all i care...hehehe...

i only stayed until Parameta. it was 11:15 and i was practically going home late the previous nights that i opted to go home a bit early. I wish i stayed longer. Dingdong said i missed good bands like Radioactive Sago Project, Updharma, etc. it's ok, there's more to come.

that was my so-called saturday night.

Thinking about Saturday, that is, today...

2006-01-28T16:45:00.000+08:00

I dropped my two MA subjects last week, Math Eco and Micro Eco, and still contemplating of dropping Managerial Eco as well. That would leave me dropping all my subjects this sem altogether. I'm burned out with the on-going IT Training in between my office work that i felt something has to give up for me to remain psychologically stable, as if i'm still is. I felt bad because i plan to finish graduate school in two years time so I could bum again. I need another vacation!

i was quite intrigued with Chapter 27, the new movie that chronicles the life of Mark David Chapman, the assasin of John Lennon. Chapter 27 is derived from a chapter in the Catcher in the Rye, one of my favorite books, which Chapman was clutching when he shot Lennon in the fateful day of December 8, along with the Double Fantasy album of John and Yoko. Jared Leto will play the role of Chapman with the added pounds. I love Jared Leto; even way back from his role as the wasted object of affection of Claire Danes in the tv series, My So-Called Life. God, that was a long time ago. I remember that was my favorite tv series, along with Fritze, in the late 90's. Hope it will be shown soon. It's so ironic how I got so interested with Chapman knowing that I am a die hard Beatles fan.

will be watching Sir Alex's gig later with Radio Active Sago Project and Up Darma Down. I promise to be sober...

...tomorrow again.

Anthem for the Day

2005-12-07T15:50:00.000+08:00

Between apathy and occasional pain in the aorta, I rediscovered the song composed by Yan Yuzon of the Mongols, It’s over. Oh well, what can I say. If I will ever write a song or a poem, this would be IT.

IT’S OVER

Felt like fate but a little late
To chase a dream you can’t create
Sure we could’ve made it to the end
But this I say in my defense

Guess time to go is time to grow
And time to challenge what you know
I’m not constrained by the constraints
That trap you in your fucking game

And I still hear him calling out my name
But those days are gone and time has flown
We’ll never ever be the same

You had your tears for all your fears
I had to take the wheel and steer
This was all I had and it was getting faked
No time to learn from your mistakes

So we packed our bags and let you drive
Was I gonna wait till I survived?
With all the hazards up ahead
What could I have done instead?

Calling
Calling out
Calling
Calling me down

So hold my hand
We’ll take a bow
The world can do without us now
When the curtain’s open for another show
You could give a call but
But I’ll just say – Hey
I’ll just say – Hey, It’s over.

Thursday's Euphoric Melancholia

2005-12-01T11:32:00.000+08:00

I miss Soundgarden! One of those bands that kept me up during my high school days. It was actually Chris Cornell's Euphoria Morning that made me remember the good old Soundgarden. I adore Chris Cornell. Genius! I am not much of an Audioslave fan but i got their new album, great songs, Dandelion's my favorite. I'm listening to Spoonman now, "save me, i'm together with your plan" I never mellowed. i'm not sure if i ever will.

God, it's already December. Got my ticket already for my vacation. The ticket price made me curse the government's expansionary fiscal policy. Damn! E-vat - Tax You! (with my middle finger straight out) I'm trying to supress my excitement because i may run out of it when it's time for me to go home. Hah! I miss my parents. I long to see their faces when they fetch me in the airport. they usually wake up at around 4am to prepare. I love them! My mom's got her feet broken from our slippery veranda last July; stayed at home for a month and experienced boredom for the first time in her life. I called her up frequently and she complained about not having anything to do but count the falling leaves in our old mango tree. I told her just imagine how i felt after college when i stayed home and decided living hermit-like for eight months. Books, music, and coffee saved my life then. God, felt like yesterday!

After two geological ages, i finally found Chris Cornell's Sunshower and downloaded it. I adore the song. It's one of the songs in the Great Expectations' Soundtrack. The song is sad but sweet at the same time, "cuts like anguish, or recollections of better days gone by..." Been playing the song whole day with some audioslave tracks in between. It's 12:20, time to have some lunch of my staple food, that is wheat bread and chicken. still thinking if i will watch the NU rock awards tomorrwo. I still have some assignment in Mathematical Economics. Hah, i never thought there is such an existing subject as this. so melancholic.

But it's alright, all we will be we are today.

Predictable

2005-09-29T11:01:00.000+08:00

Music Video Codes by FreeVideoCodes.com

2005-09-28T16:40:00.000+08:00

STARS

2005-09-28T12:48:00.000+08:00

I love stargazing. Unfortunately, I can't do this much often now here in Manila since the sky here is obscure, may stars pa bah sa San Juan? I miss Kabankalan with all its laid-back vastness and clear sky (big dipper north of nowhere). I've been watching switchfoot's star video for two weeks now that made me salivate to score their new album soon: Nothing is Sound. Stars is a clever song. i love the guitars, i love the lyrics, i love every part of it. the lyrics are so honest; kun sa ilonggo pa, igo gid bala haw! "maybe i've been the problem, maybe i'm the one to blame, maybe i'm overcast..." i think most of us are like that, thinking that the center of the universe is on us. but then it also talks about our world in the perspective of the stars looking down on earth - but when i look at the stars, i feel like myself." when we look at the stars it makes us realize how small and insignificant we are in the light of the infinite...whew! I'll buy the album this evening. I can't sleep... i can't wait!

when i look at the stars, i feel like myself.

Smoking Thoreau

2005-09-07T14:14:00.000+08:00

As i was looking back on the past obscure days of September, Thoreau's words keep me up, "I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his/her dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he/she has imagined, he/she will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He/She will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he/she will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he/she simplifies his/her life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

Will rise like a phoenix!

Time, Is Never Time at All Without Leaving a Piece of Youth...

2005-08-09T10:15:00.000+08:00

I had this sudden urge last night to dig some old records long kept in the closet. It was right in there, contained in my old converse chuck Taylor shoe box, so nostalgic. Got hold of the Melloncollie and the Infinite Sadness album of Smashing Pumpkins, my God, that was 1995, still in high school and addicted to Billy Corgan. For whatever reason, Zero became an anthem, “I’m your lover, I’m your zero, I’m the face in your dreams of glass…wanna go for a ride?” it was so euphoric, just sitting in the floor, with Billy Corgan’s wail on the background, dreaming about better days… Wake up, wake up! I don’t know if I’m in a better position now to talk about the recent break-up of my four-year relationship. I’m trying not to be melodramatic you know. God, four years is relatively long. Ours was really a tough case to break, what can I say. For all its worth, no regrets, I think I can bet my life in saying that I really loved well, even beyond myself. I did everything that I can do, even turned around several times just to make it work. but then it’s a relationship, and if the other one stop relating, the end is inevitable. We really had good times together though and maybe when we will look back from all these, I wish I will be remembered as somebody who sees through him and understands him, more than anybody does, and maybe more than he understands himself. Sorry to disappoint those who expect hateful words or curses and hell, I’d rather throw all those words in the black hole. I want to remember the good old person I used to know and fell in love with; simple, honest, and uncomplicated. I still say thank you. Until now, i could only say so much about its lessons, or just about its demise. May it be profound or mundane; I guess I'm learning, little by little, that we decide what our lives are going to be. Things happen to us, but it is our reactions that matter. I remember this episode in Felicity where Felicity’s high school teacher told her “I guess when your heart gets broken, you sort of start to see the cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us, and that our mission is to never let it.” I don’t want to be hardened. I’d rather be whole than hard. As I look at myself now, I feel better, maybe because I was able to come out from all of these stronger and whole. I’m slightly bent but I hope into a better shape. I am still wearing the same sweet smile and the beautiful soul. It’s over and done and maybe when I look back about this, perhaps I will just say, “piece of cake.” God, I feel all grown up! I’ll get myself another cup of coffee.

More than caffeine

2005-03-19T01:33:00.000+08:00

As i'm having my first cup of coffee for the day, i remember one of Ally Mcbeal's episode (as to Ally Mcbeal, it looks tacky pala when your already nearing 30 but still as neurotic as a 15-year-old trying to get laid, she's not cute na eh)anyway, in that episode, Ally said that your first cup of coffee for the day should be regarded as having a very engaging morning sex. in short, your sip should be slow, lingering, affectionate, almost euphoric...kape tayo!

2005-03-17T11:25:00.000+08:00

Nahidlaw ko kay Nanay

The Coffee Journey in My Strange Urbanity

2005-03-17T10:53:00.000+08:00

In the small barrio in the south of Negros, where the crickets signals the coming of dusk, I first tasted my first cup of coffee. I was four years old then; all set for kinder, and can memorize few paragraphs of Mi Ultimo Adios without batting an eyelash. I can’t really remember why I was endeared to this black concoction at a young age, a bit bitter most of the time I can say. Maybe because my lola has a few coffee trees in the backyard, which never failed to bear fruit and when she cooked the dried beans, it always smelled so damn good. Yes, maybe it was the aroma of the coffee that it made it so tempting, or maybe something else.

I was left to the care of my lola until I was four. She’s really like my kindred spirit. Every time I wake up in the morning and smell the brewed coffee with lola’s voice in the kitchen, I know it will be a lovely day. I would make black coffee as morning soup mixed with rice and hotdog. I would drink milk after that. One thing I like about lola was that she doesn’t get angry seeing me drinking coffee unlike my parents who rage like hell. Several years after, I realized that it was not really all about caffeine but the comforting security I got from my lola, which I fondly associate with coffee.

Kindergarten days came in. I left the farm and stayed with my mother in the town. I never tasted any coffee in regular basis since then. I can say that my mother borders into being a health freak, milk twice a day, vegetables in every meal, and vitamins every evening. Maybe that explains why I’ve never been thin all my life. I could say that I nearly forgot coffee during those times. I discovered sophisticated games from my fairly affluent classmates, a far cry from the rowdy games in the back of the carabaos I had with my playmates in the farm. There I also discovered that I was quite advanced with some children of my age. I could retell the story by our teacher in almost the same manner as she does and could memorize poems faster than the ordinary. I had a relatively good memory back then.

Time slowly swifts by. High school was really a blissful and awakening journey. With the pressures to be always on top, the confusions of growing up, and the cry of a broken heart, I’d wish I could go back to the mundane experience of my childhood with me and my lola sipping our early morning coffee. But I know it could never be. The past can sometimes be recalled but never relived. When I entered fourth year high, my mother indirectly allowed me to drink coffee. It was a lifesaver. Maybe because she realized that my IQ could shoot high to 120 when I got a load of caffeine. I’m not sure if it’s psychological or what, but if I had coffee in the morning, I felt I could solve polynomials even with eyes closed. That was rather strange because I was not even good in math.

College drifts by so fast and so good that before I knew it was gone. I got my first taste of real independence, which made me see the world in its entirety. Friends claim that I’m a coffee addict. While others sip fruit juices or softdrinks, I would have a cup of cappuccino while savoring the poetry of Emily Dickinson and the philosophy of Nietzsche in alternate. In my study hours, there was always a mug of coffee with the wail of Billy Corgan in the background. I disagree that I’m a coffee addict. I love it but it doesn’t control me. I know that part of it was a connection from the past, of my mountain fairy days.

Few years after that, I found myself in the strange city, living with dormates with the same hormonal problems as mine, hanging out in bookstores reading spiderman comics for cheap thrills, and having the label, “just add hot water” in my daily meal. I’m out of college, living a relatively independent life, and receiving a constant, although “barely felt” paycheck. I could surely afford a coffeemaker now, but still haven’t got one because of sheer indolence. I think the Great Taste 3 in 1 is still unbeatable, always available and never lets me down. “So what’s with Manila that makes you stick to it?”, a friend asked me once. “Bloom where you are planted,” was my answer, even until now. So what’s my impression with life being a twenty-something urban-dweller? I think I’m still trying to discover life’s manifold possibilities and getting used to the idea that those manifold possibilities are actually limited. Meantime, I’ll sip my great taste 3 in 1 now before it gets cold.

Filler

2005-03-16T08:53:00.000+08:00

I miss the burger and the fries soaked in cappuccino
All I have here are the melting chocolates to cure my melancholia
Do I look morbid like a wolfgirl out in the woods?
The fullmoon is far, meantime, I’ll sleep.

Sunny thoughts

2005-03-15T11:06:00.000+08:00

To quote Yael, “thoughts in my head, they come and go but I don’t know.” It’s really interesting how people, in different place and situation, could actually relate to us on a certain level. My God, this is cosmic connection! I should see you play live!

My Not so Great Expectations

2005-03-03T15:20:00.000+08:00

i don't know what to think. all of a sudden, the thing that i look up to with so much promise and hope scattered into pieces. the initial reaction is to resist it but then it gets harder everyday. and it's actually the getting to the point that is the hardest part. i just realized, after much whining and wallowing in misery, that it's just a transitory experience, not an end in itself. true, tears could make us see things far clearly, as far as a telescope. as what they say, when you look back after this, be kind. Kind of what? i think i'd rather smile with a middle finger straight out. Peace out, Rabbit!

My First Incubus Experience (without pun intended)

2005-01-21T11:17:00.000+08:00

2004 was such a fast year. As I was thinking about the events that really made an impression, this one stands out:

I am an Incubus fan since 2000 but after knowing that they had been around since 1991, I sulked, “where I’ve been all along?” I got hooked when I first heard Pardon Me, a band with a DJ but doesn’t sound hip-hop and a vocalist with a distinctively edgy voice. With their melodic riffs come with a well-written lyrics that makes one really think. In the words of my friend Karen, “intelligently-written”. I could say, prolific. When “Drive” came out, I became an Incubus convert. The song turned out to be
my personal anthem. For a certain reason, I consider it a love song of some sort. It is a very positive personal song that holds an assuring promise, “whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there, with open arms and open eyes…” it says everything.

It was late December when I checked the Incubus website. There I learned that Manila was part of their Asian Tour for their new album promotion. In the heart of a fan like me, it was an exciting anticipation. Early January, Megalomaniac was released and heard on NU. Suffice it to say, it mirrors the entirety of their latest album. Late February, I got hold of their album “Crow Left of the Murder”. Karen was able to score the album first and she had a not-so-exciting review about it. Among all their albums, this one was the darkest, in terms of song writing and line-up, but I love the album. Maybe it is not as catchy as “Make Yourself” or “Morning View” but it has a trance-like addicting element in it that you could only get when you listen to the album over and over. Of course, Megalomaniac was a hit but tracks like Crow Left of the Murder and Talk Shows on Mute are also really good. I bought tickets two days before the concert and I find it hard to sleep since then.

Cursing the Manila Traffic
March 12, 6:30 PM –

The show will start at 8:30 but we have to be on the venue early. It was a cool date I could say for me and Mike, our first huge rock concert together, sweet! The traffic along Baclaran could make one down and drained but there was a radio on my head playing “Nice To Know You” that made me feel composed. In few hours time, I would be hearing Brandon Boyd live! The ever-adorable Brandon! I’m a fan! The venue was jam-packed! It was full of hormone-driven college kids wearing the Brandon Boyd impression, tattooed, anorexic, and all. Others have this punk-looking hairdo, which took three hours to finish. College kids are really dressed for the occasion. Karen said, pretend that you’re only 18. Hey, I never get old when it comes to this. As this say, once a rocker, always a rocker! It took us about thirty minutes to get inside only to find out that the stage was quite far. I thought with our ticket price, we could already get a good view. Nevermind. That was more than enough.

Megalomaniac Blast!
No other song could bring the crowd on frenzy than this. I could say a perfect way to start the night! The best thing about the concert was that there were no front acts. It started so sublime and fluid as only Incubus could deliver. Just the lead intro of Megalomaniac and the crowd was sent into trance. Body colliding jumping up and down, nevermind the thick dust, it made the mood even more exciting. Can’t believe I’m hearing Brandon live, it sounds like studio-recorded. God, they’re really good!

Hello boys and girls!
Brandon’s first greeting just melted me! Haaay! What’s even more exciting was that not only the girls were drooling over Brandon but even the guys are obsessed fans as well. Of course, Mike, Ben, Jose and DJ Kilmore have their own respective cult followers. DJ Kilmore is really talented, being able to experiment with the turntable, not just scratches, and being able to synchronize the effects with a kind of distinct mixture.

Stellar Line-up (in random order)
A Crow Left of the Murder – Of course, the title of their tour. One of my favorite tracks in their recent album. The crowd really knew the lyrics well. Sing with me now….un-learn me, ditch what I heard, hide what I learn…

Talk Shows on Mute – This song has a potential to become a national anthem for Incubus fans, “come one, come all, into nineteen-eighty four…” One of my favorite songs.

From the Morning View Album:
Circles – I like this song for its loud, edgy, and solid riffs.
Just a Phase - Brandon’s sexy voice was highlighted
Mexico
Nice to Know You – This song has a tongue-twister effect on me, “better see Gellar bending silver spoons, better see witnessing old nebulae’s in bloom. It took a while to make the lyrics sink in.
Wish You Were Here – for all the fans who were not able to make it in the concert.
Warning- One of crowd’s favorite songs and mine as well.

From the Make Yourself album:
Drive – but of course… one of their best songs ever.
Stellar – “take me in outer space…I will hold you close, if you’re afraid of heights, we can spend the night...” I don’t know but this song has an arousing effect of some sort… I wanna be stellar!

Most of the songs played were taken from their new album, which the hard-core fans really knew well. Well of course, the concert would not be complete without Brandon taking off his shirt. “Take it off!!” the chorus of fans screamed. Strangely, it did not only come from a blushing girls fan but also from the sturdy looking guys at the back. Hah!

The concert ended as good as it started. Hands down. Probably one of the best concerts I’ve experienced in my entire life. Fans came out of the venue looking frenzied, possessing the concert’s afterglow, which their ears and hearts could not contain. The night is still young and the stellar experience has just started.

The Morning After
As we’re heading home the morning after, Mike said, “Incubus still plays in my head.” Yeah, I know, it will always be.

2005-01-20T13:56:00.000+08:00

minions of kurt

Sullen thoughts at the Streets of P.Guevarra

2005-01-20T13:21:00.000+08:00

The mind starts to fly when the heart was
consumed by loneliness beyond reason.
Tears are about to fall but are always stopped
by an unknown strength that makes the throat aches.
There is something wrong.
Something is missing, which have long been identified
but still afraid to recognize.
Will it make any difference if the
body is not abused by a void toil?
The thing is, it is here.
Happening in concrete clarity, 20-20,
though the eyes gets blurry with tiredness.
There’s no way of escaping it.
The loneliness, the tears that are about to fall,
the early morning thoughts of melancholy.
To face these would make the mind enduring
and the heart strong but skeptical.
No longer believes in the coming of a vibrant afternoon
like a 90-year old in the acacia tree looking at the horizon at 4.
Just embrace it as long as there’s air, water, light
and all surviving elements life provided as an excuse to make us hold on.
Just embrace it like a ten-year old girl freely
inhaling the smoke from Grandma’s tobacco.
Not knowing that continuous exposure would kill her in the end.
Still, that girl has a choice. To inhale grandma’s smoke in the sala or
to go out of the house, stare at the sun and blind her eyes.